Last week, former OpenAI CTO Mira Murati raised $2 billion in seed funding (!) for her stealth AI startup, Thinking Machines Lab, valuing the six‑month‑old company at around $10 billion with, from best I can tell, no product or business. This on the heels of Mark Zuckerberg offering $100 million signing bonuses for Sam Altman’s engineers, and Ilya Sutskever turning down Zuck’s acquisition offer that was likely in excess of $32 billion. I think it’s safe to say we’ve reached the “irrational exuberance” stage of the AI hype cycle — but let’s remember these guys are trying to catalyze a utopian singularity, which probably can’t be overhyped? Then, just in terms of the salaries, I’m glad America is paying our star nerds more than our star basketball players (finally). Sorry haters, the only problem I see here is my own slow start. Which brings me to my announcement: Pirate Wires is an AI company now, and we’re raising. Hmu.

Last week, a video of Obama giving a fireside chat where he says Twitter will need to be regulated, because it allows “hateful” and “polarizing” speech, made the rounds on X. “We want diversity of opinion, [not] diversity of facts... It will require some government regulatory constraints,” he said. I don’t need to tell you where I stand on reinstating the f***ing Ministry of Truth, but I do have one question. Why are institutionalists like Obama SO pathologically fixated on restricting the free flow of information?? They don’t even justify it anymore (aside from referencing ambiguous concepts like “protecting democracy”) — it’s creepy! Believing it’s the government’s job to manage our information space is a denial of our agency and, instead, an insistence that only they have agency. Obama, please stop. Go back to recommending music between voiceovers of docuseries about national parks, and keep your hands off my X.

Jenifer Hanki — a… *shudders* cyclist in San Francisco — is suing Waymo, claiming its “Safe Exit” system failed when a passenger doored her as she pedaled down Seventh Street, injuring her and causing “emotional distress.” Hanki described the horror: “The curb-side Waymo’s left passenger door suddenly swung open directly in the bike lane… with no room or time to react, I crashed violently into the door” (cue tiny violin). Now, this story isn’t just about one stupid lady trying to cash in on her own obliviousness, folks. It’s the defining struggle of our time. A spiritual war between the forces of progress and innovation, embodied in the innocent, noble Waymo, and the cancerous menace that is the urban cyclist. The Karens of our thoroughfares. The Great Satan. So let us pray for wisdom in the San Francisco County courthouse. We cannot, under any circumstances, let the terrorists (dorks in Spandex) win.