Sergey Brin docked his $450 million superyacht Dragonfly at Museum Park in Downtown Miami last week, evoking outrage from the Luigi Left (private property shouldn’t exist), the MAGA Right (yachts are “soulless” vessels for out-of-wedlock fornication), and large swaths of the tech industry, where the opulent display was considered tacky. My verdict: no, lol, all of you are obviously just jealous. But even worse than that, you’re shortsighted. Sure, in the hierarchy of “shit I want my billionaires focused on” landing rockets, curing cancer, and building a giant statue on Alcatraz Island rank closer to the top. But this is sort of a false choice, because most billionaires don’t have that dog in them. Really, if they’re not buying superyachts, they’re being bullied into funding radical left-wing NGOs into perpetuity. So relax, be grateful Brin is not another Soros, and pray to God he doesn’t divorce another Melinda Gates into the world.

Virginia Giuffre — the former victim of Jeffrey Epstein’s who claimed she was forced to massage / have sex with a number of prominent individuals including Prince Andrew after being groomed as a minor — died on Friday in an alleged suicide. This comes after Giuffre stated in March that she was hit by a school bus traveling 70mph, and after the trafficking victim posted on social media in 2019 that she was “in no way, shape, or form” suicidal when her allegations against Epstein came to light. If the circumstances of Giuffre’s death seem suspicious, you’ll recall that Epstein himself died ‘by suicide’ in his Manhattan jail cell after prison guards conveniently fell asleep and security footage was conveniently lost. Is whatever domestic or foreign intelligence agency behind this underage sex trafficking ring ordering executions? Unclear, but our lawyers have advised me to say the following: “I love the CIA / Mossad / Hillary Clinton.”

Yesterday, two (mostly) Canadian armies snowshoed to the polls to decide the North’s fate: on the left, an unholy alliance of boomers, government employees, luxury real estate agents, money launderers, mentally ill college students, CCP-affiliated members of the Sun-Yee-On Triads. And on the right: people who just want to afford a home. Every single poll projected a Liberal win, meaning the only path to Conservative victory was an outsized youth turnout (similar to Trump 2024), and it turns out the polls were right — a testament to the stunted neocortex of the Maple Boomer, who believed the dude that wanted to do stuff like not catch and release criminals after they commit violent crimes, and not spend a bajillion tax dollars on lesbian gender reform programs in rural Botswana, is literal Hitler reincarnate. Alas, Arctic Mexico is lost, meaning I now retreat to my stronghold in literal Mexico. RIP Canada.