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July 8, 2025
From the Pirate Wires Daily

Party

Author

Frustrated with Trump, Elon Musk has vowed to build a new political party, which is honestly kind of endearing in that it seems he’s developing his entire political identity, which most of us formed over many years, over the course of a few months. Hell, who among us did not get stoned in college and think — this two-party system totally sucks, man, what if we had a new party, and it was good? But Elon’s worth a quarter trillion dollars, which means he could actually build one. Unfortunately, if we’ve learned anything these past few months, genius in business doesn’t necessarily translate to snake pit Washington politics, and Elon’s too frustrated by our rotten system to adapt. He won’t win a major election. But a percentage shaved away from Republicans? That he might pull off, which is probably why the only people encouraging him are Democrats who hate him and everything he stands for.

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Rainmaking

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Floods devastated Central Texas over the weekend, killing dozens. Soon thereafter, the internet discovered buzzy startup Rainmaker had just carried out cloud-seeding operations in the state, which involves dispersing a mineral in clouds to make it rain. And now: founder and CEO Augustus Doricko is facing literal accusations of murder, while space lasers enthusiast / hater MTG is drafting a national ban on geoengineering. Per Augustus, Rainmaker had nothing to do with the flooding. The last clouds it seeded (before its own meteorologists determined they should cease operations) dissipated over 24 hours before the storm’s arrival. But more importantly, this tragedy is the reason Rainmaker exists: if we can control the weather, then we no longer have to live at the mercy of hurricanes, floods, and droughts. By all means, ask tough questions. But we shouldn’t let fear of “natural” disasters undermine the only real company trying to mitigate them.

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DEI (Damn this Ebony guy looks Indian)

Author

Last week, as Pirates imbibed with rum poolside in honor of America’s birth, the New York Times published an article about Ugandan-born (but very much not black (look up his rap video)) Zohran “The Breadlines Brahmin” Mamdani identifying as African-American on his Columbia application, hastily putting out the story to avoid being scooped by Christopher Rufo. The very next day, the Times backtracked with a thinkpiece questioning whether it should “matter” that Zohran made this dubious claim about his heritage to cash in on university DEI policies. For my part, I rank “lying about being a brotha 20 years ago” a few notches below “third-world government-run grocery stores” on the Concerning Things About Zohran list. Nevertheless, I’m reminded of a sage bit of wisdom I learned from Tribal Elder Liz Warren: show me the equity-touting Democrat insisting on the necessity of DEI policies, and I’ll show you a privileged communist who seeks to exploit them.

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