Over the weekend, as scrutiny over former President Biden’s “hidden” case of (apparently) dementia reached a fever pitch, the New York Times discovered he also had an aggressive form of prostate cancer that reached his bones. Biden’s team announced he had only received the diagnosis Friday, but media consensus — in large part driven by an army of special guest star doctors who once met Biden at a function or something — seems to be he likely knew during his presidency. And yeah, I have questions. Most importantly: who the hell was running our country last year? But even I’m having a hard time watching what is obviously a human sacrifice. Journalists are scapegoating Biden’s team for covering up ‘the truth about his health,’ which they were themselves complicit in, while inner circle libs are leaking details they should have leaked years ago. Because this isn’t really a reckoning, this is a Democratic Party civil war.

This week in “Oh God,” Hims, in a viral ad, showcased its 4-in-1 pill for stronger erections (tadalafil), thicker hair (minoxidil), less hair loss (finasteride), and “added support” (supplements). Ah, the unseen tide of progress inching us forward; aka, “There’s something extremely wrong with this company and I can’t put my finger on it,” as one X user said. You’re correct, faceless person, and that thing you can’t quite name is called the dick pills rubicon. Direct-to-consumer healthcare companies never quite cross it. In setting out to build a virtual, comprehensive clinic of the future to save us all, they tell themselves that dick pills are a cash cow means to an end. But because healthcare is hard (no pun intended), they get stuck peddling dick pills, then 2-in-1 dick pills, then 3-in-1 dick pills, and finally 4-in-1 dick pills. Alas, I cannot help but conclude the future is not nigh. Though the prospect of a 978-in-1 dick pill (inevitable) is, at least, funny.

Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson made waves with his response to critics who claim he exclusively hires black people. “When you hire our people, we always look out for everybody else,” the Mayor explained (of black people), adding “we [black people] are the most generous people on the planet.” Initially I was confused, as it appeared Johnson admitted to illegally staffing the government of America’s third-largest city based entirely on race. But then I dug deeper and saw this “generosity” at work: not only is Chicago America’s slowest-growing major city (smaller crowds, anyone?). Not only does Chicago’s government own more pension debt than 7 American states (they pay their people well). But the city also typically has more homicides than LA and NYC combined (constant gunfire = keeps citizens alert). So don’t listen to the haters who call your city a “hellhole” or your hiring practices “literally illegal,” Mayor Johnson. They just don’t know what generosity looks like.