Friday, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard released documents associated with Russiagate, and alleged “treasonous conspiracy… committed by officials at the highest level of our government” (hint: Obama). Tl;dr, it looks like intelligence concluded there was no evidence Russia interfered with our election back in 2016, let alone in collusion with Trump, attempted to report this in a Presidential daily brief, and was thwarted by Obama himself. A meeting was called. The story was revised, a new assessment (“RUSSIA RUSSIA RUSSIA”) was immediately leaked to the press, and a massive, years-long conspiracy was born. Critically, the new assessment justified surveilling Trump, which would seem to make this all extremely illegal, and IMO it does look bad. Unfortunately, it’s also confusing as hell and nobody has ever cared about Russia. Sure, all our politicians should be in prison. But — and I’m genuinely sorry to break this to you — you’re just never gonna make “Benghazi” happen.

This week, B-tier right wing influencer and Daily Wire crony Michael Knowles gave a stunning performance of victimhood after he stopped receiving X payouts, suggesting that Stripe was debanking him for political reasons — specifically, for his now relatively milquetoast opinions of being against “two men buying eggs” (the gay-people-having-babies kind, ostensibly) and the groundbreakingly original “men can’t be women.” Stripe responded that the restrictions were caused by a “legally binding order,” later revealed to be related to a mundane Tennessee “government administrative error.” Knowles desperately wanted this to be a case of political debanking, but we are in a new cultural era, and right wing talking heads need to find a way to chase relevance that isn’t feigning attacks by big tech on their ability to dish out boring talking points. PSA, Knowles: if you want some genuinely interesting, contrarian opinions to co-opt, the Pirate Wires Daily is free!

Tea, a controversial women-only “dating safety” app, is now #1 on the App Store, marking a new frontier in Modern Gender Warfare. Features include anonymously posting photos of men you’re dating for feedback, reverse image search, “phone number lookups to check for hidden relationships,” background checks, and… holey moley I gotta mansplain here. First off: we already have this app. It’s called LVESTPA (Langley, Virginia ever since the PATRIOT Act). Second, I am launching a competitor called ScroteUnion (“verify her pics, dicks, and pounds with one simple click!”) and looking for investors. Thirdly, we need to have a conversation about the degenerate role modern dating plays in facilitating our low-trust, neurotic culture, because that’s what this app does. Call me chauvinistic if you want, but if/when we get Ruby Ridge 2.0 just because some hard 4 got rejected by a TRT-fueled Huberman hoe-male, I’ll hate to say I told you so.