Justice for Martha

It was a normal Thursday evening. Former FBI Director James B. Comey was collecting seashells on the beach, about to post a cheerful Instagram photo, when news came he had been indicted by a federal grand jury for giving false statements and obstructing a congressional proceeding. “Trump Gets the Retribution He Sought, and Shatters Norms in the Process,” read the NYT headline. ‘Funny,’ I said to myself. ‘I thought norms were shattered when the FBI raided a former president’s house.’ But then I remembered the real irony of this story: if James Comey did give false statements to investigators, then he will have been guilty of the very crime he once locked up Martha Stewart for — a cruel and unusual punishment for a woman whose only crime was teaching housewives how to prepare hors d’oeuvres. Guess karma’s a bitch, James. If you need a PR rebrand after prison, I hear baking with Snoop Dogg helps.

The Costco Generation

Costco’s earnings surpassed Wall Street’s expectations last Thursday. Some say it’s an inflation story (shoppers are hunting for bargains). However, I’ll give you the cooler version: Gen Z is driving growth at the retail giant because they know Costco hits different. Ahhhh, Zoomers. I worry about you, in truth, with your (compared to previous generations) relatively less socializing, reading, drinking, driving, drinking and driving, etc. But in this moment, I am proud. Costco’s CFO Gary Millerchip recently said that roughly half of the chain’s new members each year are under 40 — because (he didn’t say this part lol) Zoomers are gobbling down Costco “glizzies,” (hot dogs) (say what you will, Zoomers do have a flare for language) and buying in bulk like it’s 2008. To those who say the American tradition is over, worry less: the kids have their $1.50 glizzies. They’ll be alright. No cap. Yeet. Or whatever.

Californication

Last week, real estate mogul Grant Cardone spoke out against a regulation that could force him to demolish his Malibu beachside home. According to a FEMA rule, any homes facing January fire repairs that cost 50%+ of their value must rebuild their foundation — even if that foundation isn’t damaged. “If I spend 2.5 million repairing the house then I’ll have to spend $50 to 60m to tear it down,” said Mr. 10X, decrying the “insane regulations” from the Coastal Commission, environmental agencies, and FEMA. Don’t worry Grant: once Gavin Newsom returns from ClimateWeek NYC and fires off his latest tweet about broken elevators at Trump Tower, he’ll get right on on the *squints* 2/600 rebuilding permits issued so far for destroyed Malibu houses. And if your property just so happens to become reappropriated by the state, rest assured it’s going to a good cause: an “exciting foreign investment opportunity” for your Chinese competitors!