Age of chad. With the festival-like “protests” at America’s wealthiest private universities growing more unhinged by the day, the rise of a would-be white girl jihadi with giant “I’m offended” glasses was inevitable. But last week, when Keffiyeh Karen took center stage at a press conference outside Columbia University, a main character more perfectly suited to this moment than I ever could have imagined was well and truly born. There, flanked by a lanky “yay Hamas” gay in make-up and a Castro shot boy midriff, she addressed the dire state of her fellow activists, who had just purposely locked themselves inside a campus building. The students were in danger of starving, she said of the mob literally free to leave and feed themselves at any moment. This was a crisis. The country’s richest 1% required food, and the anti-capitalist, anti-colonial “revolutionary” bourgeoisie demanded it be brought to them, by day laborers, at once. This was, their leader said with no apparent sense of self-awareness, basic “humanitarian aid.”

The incident — not only the clownish presser, but the apparent hostage situation for which the presser was called — received national attention. But with the exception of a surreal nod from Hims founder Andrew Dudum, who on Wednesday seemed to offer the larping jihadis jobs, almost all of the attention was negative. Long gone was the “mostly peaceful” coverage of the Clown War 2020s, and just a little further south, on another college campus, there came an even stranger apparition.

While the Sweetgreen Revolution raged to the north, a handful of similarly deranged activists first replaced, and then attempted to destroy, the most prominent American flag on UNC’s campus. Their efforts were retarded, however, when a pack of zoomer frat boys in pastel polos, broccoli perms, and at least one Hooters shirt stepped forward and defended the American flag with their bodies. The mob of Palestine enthusiasts, unprepared for this symbolic act of moral clarity, became enraged, but the country was overjoyed. Photos of the incident went viral, and a GoFundMe was launched to throw the boys a party. Donations climbed to over 500k before it was closed.