Not Pretti enough
Following the fatal ICE shooting of Alex Pretti in Minneapolis, which EVERYONE across ALL industries MUST talk about or else they’re COMPLICIT in AUTHORITARIAN VIOLENCE, a curious pattern has emerged in several tributes to the slain 37-year-old… mourners are using what appears to be an AI-doctored image of Pretti to make him more attractive. The first instance seems to be a post from Minnesota State Rep. Mohamud Noor, a politician whose nationality I won’t mention (Ye voice: it was a Somalian politician), in which Pretti appears more tan, less disheveled, and with noticeably altered facial features. This doctored photo has since been used by several outlets, including MSNBC / MSNOW / MS-13 / MSWhateverIt’sCalledNow, and it’s a helpful reminder: if you’re gonna risk death for a cause, make sure you undergo a rigorous looksmaxxing protocol first until you’re at least Luigi-Mangione-level attractive, lest your memory be “honored” by folks asking Grok to make you less busted.
Our Word
3 words. 8 letters. Say it and I’m yours. I’m referring, of course, to “the R word,” the utterance of which gives everyone a warm, fuzzy feeling inside… everyone, that is, other than our friends at The New York Times, who just published a tearful piece about the word’s revival. For years, “activists” policed the use of the insult due to its origins as a term for disabled people — never mind that dumb, idiot, moron, and lame share a similar history. Thankfully, that time of censorship has come to an end. Because news flash, hall monitors: we don’t use that word to describe handicapped people. We use it to describe YOU. And our friends. Really anyone but truly disabled people. Is it a coincidence that just as we were persecuting anyone who used the word, American politics turned insane? Banning the R word didn’t fix anything; it just made the entire world more retarded.
Leviathan
Sunday, as snow blanketed the U.S., Facebook and Threads users were tracking a Biblical sea monster “waking up” off the coast of Virginia. Roughly the size of New Jersey, the “leviathan” was headed straight for Langley Air Force Base, of course prompting the U.S. government to engineer a blizzard to freeze the creature. “Holy moly it’s real,” a Threads user posted, beside a doctored satellite image of the South Sandwich Trench — an oceanic crevasse near Chile that resembles a serpent’s head if you’re stoned. Discourse ranged from “all hail the great sea behemoth” to variations on: we already have to fight fascism… now we have to fight the sea serpent??? A reminder that most people don’t actually believe anything and simply enjoy a fake crisis. Also, maybe social media should close on Sundays? The Threads community could use a break from battling fascism and the Google Maps sea snake.
