Remember the pre-Elon Twitter days? When you didn’t have to read comments from AryanButtholeGroyper69 about Jewish physiognomy, but still had to deal with the equally offensive prospect of reading takes from Mark Cuban? Whatever happened to idiots like Mark anyways?

Sadly, his ilk didn't all fall off the face of the Earth. They’ve just flown to Bluesky. And though most of our readers had the common sense to not join them in that neurotic wasteland of a website, it’s still important to keep abreast of other platforms for a complete read of culture at any given moment. So, as your trusted sherpas through the strange and confusing world of today’s social media landscape, we’re here to fill you in on all the insanity you may be missing.

Below: the first edition of a new recurring Pirate Wires column in which we engage in the strictest form of torture known to man spend a little time on Bluesky, filling you in on all the things people there are crying about. Proceed with caution, and please, if possible — hold a little sympathy in your heart for the mentally ill.