[Our story opens with a disheveled, unconscious man slowly waking up on a liquor- and urine-soaked couch. Empty bottles of Jameson are strewn about the room and he clearly hasn’t bathed in some time. As the man blinks his bleary eyes — wincing in hungover agony with each movement — our narrator (imagine a Morgan Freeman voice) (the real one) (we’ll explain) begins to set the scene…]

It had been 7 days since Riley first logged on to Bluesky to write his new column for Pirate Wires — a series examining what all the stupid people who left X are complaining about these days.

In the time since — after he had read Stephen King’s latest attempt at a “joke” on that abominable website — Riley was driven to a week-long bender.