Earlier this year, way back in February or March, it occurred to me the American flight experience was absolutely batshit insane. Not a week went by without some fight, some bathroom disaster, some actual psychic communion with the Netherrealm — 40,000 feet off the ground (or, more often than not, just before takeoff) — went viral. Then, before you even had time to share the clip with a friend, a new batshit story on an airplane ripped across the timeline. Recently, it hit me: these are not just fun ephemera, this is our history. And unfortunately, due to the nature of the internet, our history is fading from memory. We forget these viral moments days, or sometimes only moments, after we bear witness. This is a major problem, and here at Pirate Wires we aim to be a part of the solution. Today, we launch what is sure to be a new tradition, and proudly present the following record for posterity (and please link to every other crazy plane story you can think of in the comments (this is important (serious))).

Here are Pirate Wires’ top picks for the Craziest Shit That Happened on Planes, 2023.

-Solana

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On July 2, 2023, a video of a woman on a woman exiting an American Airlines plane went viral. As she walked away, she yelled: “I’m telling you right now, I’m getting the fuck off. And the reason why I’m getting the fuck off — and everyone can believe it or they can not believe it — I don’t give two fucks. But I am telling you right now, that motherfucker — that motherfucker back there is not real.” 

As she pointed to the back of the plane, the other passengers turned around to look.

“And you can sit on this plane and you can fucking die with him or not. I’m not going to.”

It was the perfect viral video. Too good-looking to be dismissed as a schizophrenic, people believed that she had seen something, and online, people debated what it was. “That motherfucker is not real” became a meme, a painting, a national conversation. Several weeks later (an eternity in internet time), the woman revealed herself: Tiffany Gomas, a Dallas marketing executive. Gomas released a video apologizing to the other passengers for disrupting their flight, and that too went viral. Now, the “that mother fucker is not real” meme turned on Gomas herself, as internet users debated whether Gomas was actually the woman in the plane video. She later told the podcast Pardon My Take that she liked the conspiracies, saying “Thank God people don’t think it's me.” 

In her PMT appearance and other interviews, Gomas has insisted that “that motherfucker is not real” is an “expression of speech,” and that she “didn’t see anything.” She says that the issue started with an altercation with another passenger —(over headphones, says a Dallas police report), but has thus far refused to discuss any details “for legal reasons.” (What those are remains unclear). When asked by Inside Edition what she wanted to say to people who assumed that she was high or drunk in the viral video, she avoided the question. It still feels like we don’t have the full story, which makes it continually fascinating. Gomas is the perfect internet muse, and our top pick — obviously — for the craziest thing that happened on a plane this year. But if it makes Tiffany feel any better (and we really hope it does), there was a lot of crazy shit that happened on planes this year.

Woman Threatens to Piss on Plane

A woman on a flight between Orlando and Philadelphia was caught on camera pulling her pants down and threatening to piss on the plane as passengers screamed and begged her to stop. According to one passenger, the woman was upset and “decided to pull her pants down on the plane right in front of two children. She threatened to kill another passenger. She threatened me after I told her to sit down.” 

Alaska Airlines Pilot Takes Shrooms

Joseph Emerson, an Alaska Airlines pilot, was charged with 83 counts of attempted murder after he shut off both of his plane’s engines mid-flight, believing it would help him wake up from a two-day-long magic mushroom trip. Other crew members subdued him, and the plane made an emergency landing in Portland. 

Korean Passenger Opens Door Before Landing (Again)

In November, a Korean Air passenger was arrested after opening a plane’s exit door during a flight. The 26-year-old woman tested positive for meth. This was the second time this year that a South Korean person has opened an emergency exit during a flight. At press time, Pirate Wires was unable to confirm what the hell is going on over there. 

YouTuber Convicted of Crashing Plane Returns to the Skies

Earlier this month, snowboarder and extreme sports athlete Trevor Jacob was convicted of deliberately crashing his plane, and lying about the incident to investigators. The stunt was orchestrated in an attempt to get clicks on YouTube and sell wallets that Jacob had agreed to promote on his channel. As he awaits sentencing, Jacob is (legally) flying again, as we can see in a recent YouTube video titled “I got my license back! But going to prison…”

Banker Urinates on Fellow Passenger

In January, an Indian man was arrested for urinating on an elderly woman during a New York - New Delhi flight. He was allegedly drunk during the incident, which occurred six weeks before his arrest. During the interim, he fled from authorities and was fired from his job at Wells Fargo. At trial, he unsuccessfully argued that the elderly woman had pissed on herself. 

America Shoots Down a Chinese Spy Balloon

On January 28th, a giant Chinese spy balloon entered US airspace and drifted across our big blue American sky until February 4th, when our corpse president finally shot it down over the Atlantic. (Officials said shooting it down over water was meant to preserve intel.) 

Prighozin Plane “Accident”

In June 2023 Russian Warlord Yevgeny Prigozhin attempted a coup against Russian President Vladamir Putin just two months earlier. It came to a negotiated settlement and Progozhin thought he and Putin were cool. They were not. On August 23, 2023, Progozhin’s plane crashed north of Moscow killing everyone on board. After his death, Putin described him as a “man of difficult fate,” who made “serious mistakes in his life.” Mistakes such as: flying in the airspace of a despotic country where you recently attempted a coup. 

Military Loses Fighter Jet

In September, the US Marine Corps asked the public for help finding a F-35 Lighting II fighter jet that had gone missing somewhere in South Carolina. They were short on details but let the public know that the pilot was okay, and not in the plane, which made things even more confusing. The plane was later found crashed in a wooded area about 60 miles from where its pilot had been ejected (into someone’s backyard). The Defense Department characterized the incident as a “Class-A Mishap” which is a real legal designation that is applied when damages exceed $2.5 million, someone dies, becomes permanently disabled, or a DOD aircraft is destroyed. We still haven’t been told how this happened or why.

Flight to Barcelona Diverted After Diarrhea Incident

A flight from Atlanta to Barcelona had to turn around after a passenger had diarrhea “all the way through the plane,” according to audio from the cockpit. A woman on Twitter who claimed her partner was on the plane said “It was pretty bad. It was dribbled down the aisle and smelled horrible. The vanilla-scented disinfectant used on it only made it smell like vanilla shit.” 

Plane Takes Off Without Windows

On October 9th, a plane traveling between London and Orlando had to turn around after a crew realized that two of the windows had been damaged by high-powered lights used in a film shoot the day before. Both the inner and outer panes were missing, as were the rubber seal — leaving only the plastic scratch planes in place. 

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Good luck Tiffany.

– River Page