San Francisco should be the greatest city in the world, and that’s the goal. But before we get to all the fun shit — new tunnels and trains up your ass, rooftop hydroponic gardens of genetically-modified flora, every building in the city zoned to seven stories (provided it is beautiful (we all know what is, and what is not, beautiful)), 24-hour clubbing in the foggy neon “midnight district,” promotions and raises for whoever is managing the city parks (you guys are doing a great job actually, thank you), and a colossal “Justice” statue on Alcatraz Island to match New York City’s Lady Liberty — we need to claw our way back to base-level human civilization.

Namely: crime should be illegal, emergency shelter should be built for the homeless, that emergency shelter should be prioritized over free one-bedroom apartments for drug addicts who just moved to the city, NGOs grifting city dollars in the name of improving a social problem they invariably make worse should be starved of funding, public schools should be safe and clean, public transportation should be solvent, and the budget should be balanced. Things, in other words, should just be normal.

At various points we have termed this philosophy of government “duh,” “yeah no shit,” and “what if things just worked?” Over time, the philosophy has become more popular, and today adherents of this radical perspective on local government functioning in a manner that is not, technically speaking, terroristic in nature… are legion. This is a voter guide for you — people who aren’t insane. Accept no substitutions.