Trade war (we’re so back). Yesterday morning, as the company ran out of all the time it didn’t use to divest, TikTok (very briefly) died as it lived: purposely misinforming nearly 200 million Americans. “A law banning TikTok has been enacted in the U.S.,” the Chinese asset stated plainly in a curt post to its users announcing an immediate shutdown. Of course, no matter how often or how vigorously TikTok argues the point, or to what hysterical degree our fawning press amplifies the lie, there has never been a ban. TikTok was forced to divest from ByteDance, its Chinese parent. The Chinese government, which TikTok has repeatedly feigned independence from, refused to let the company divest. The company ran out of time, and its leadership quite cartoonishly pretended to close up shop. Whatever, we’ve beaten this one to death. Much more interesting was TikTok’s additional suggestion that Donald Trump assured the company he would reverse, or in some way unwind, Biden’s controversial decision to sign Congress’s bi-partisan divestment bill — a decision that if left unchecked would be, for America’s cracked out Zoomers, catastrophic. And by yesterday afternoon, this piece of TikTok’s farewell message appeared to be true.

Half past noon, before our incoming President Trump was even sworn into office, the company released a statement on X explicitly thanking him for “providing the necessary clarity and assurance to our service providers that they will face no penalties” for platforming the company.

And just like that, Trump brought America’s favorite Chinese spy app back to life.