It’s a Wednesday afternoon and I’m watching two geriatrics engage in steamy roleplay on my computer.

A slightly less geriatric woman is also on screen, coaching the geezers through the process. She nods along in encouragement, occasionally feeding lines to the noticeably tepid older man in an attempt to make his roleplay more convincing for the older woman he’s hoping to charm.

“Sounds like a great idea to me,” Geriatric Woman says with a wry smile at the end of Geriatric Man’s routine.

I watch intently as the spicy scene concludes, eagerly awaiting what comes next. It’s a miracle my pants remain on at this point.

“Very good, you two,” chimes in Slightly Less Geriatric Coach. “How did that feel?”

Has Riley stumbled upon an episode of Nursing Home Gone Wild, you ask? Has sex researcher Aella started livestreaming a few Viagra-fueled orgies at her local bridge club, perhaps? Have I hacked the surveillance camera footage of a swinger’s cruise ship just as Wednesday Bingo Night begins to take an interesting turn?

None of the above.

I am engaging in a critical part of the legislative process in California.

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The scene I’m describing is a Zoom training for volunteers who have signed up to collect signatures in support of California’s Billionaire Tax Act ballot proposition. The two elderly roleplay participants have just engaged in a mock dialogue, rehearsing what they will say to passersby in order to win over their signatures, nearly a million of which are required to get the measure on ballots this June.

Pirate Wires has written at length about the wealth tax — how it amounts to an unprecedented asset seizure, is already causing job creators to leave the state (despite proponents’ claims this wouldn’t happen), is perhaps not so “temporary” (despite being labeled as such), and how its architects have motivations beyond just ‘patching a hole in California’s healthcare system’ (despite this being the stated rationale for the tax).

But what remains untold in this story is the finer details about what this “signature gathering” process looks like in action. How does a powerful union like SEIU-UHW, whose president Dave Regan admitted to using California’s mob-like ballot prop system in order to advance his union’s interests, go about collecting nearly a million signatures from California voters? Who are the shock troops out in the street hounding everyday citizens about plundering Mark Zuckerberg’s unrealized riches? And what tactics are used to convince 2.5% of the state’s entire population that this measure is just, righteous, and should appear on California ballots ASAP?

The best way to find out is through a little something we in the biz call Investigative Journalism™. This is what your subscriber money goes to, people (don’t say we never did anything for you). It was time to get my hands dirty, engage in a little covert espionage, and learn the mechanics of this signature gathering ecosystem as intimately as possible — by becoming a part of it myself.

That’s right, folks… your boy signed up to become an official signature collecting volunteer for the California Billionaire Tax Act.

Something, something, eat the rich. Something, something, nothing to lose but your chains. Time to do my part to screw over the state. For, um, “healthcare.” (And journalism.)