Get in, loser, we’re buying Twitter. A flash of lightning, a crack of thunder, and our nation of the too-online looked up in horror and excitement — Elon Musk had once again done something.

Monday, a regulatory filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission revealed the billionaire Shitposting God of Silicon Valley, who just weeks ago teased news concerning censorship on social media, straight-up bought 9.2 percent of Twitter, making him the company’s largest shareholder. This alone was enough to trigger the internet’s most tedious, speech-policing hall monitors to breathless fits of hysteria. Little did they know, their nightmare had just begun. Wednesday, Twitter CEO Parag Agrawal announced Elon would join the company’s board, and Team Yay Censorship lost its mind. Their stated points of concern were — and remain — as numerous as they are incoherent, as the hive-mind hasn’t yet settled on a common argument, and almost none of Elon’s critics actually believe what they’re saying. The real reason members of the censorship class are angry is they are currently empowered by the most dominant speech platforms in history to amplify their own, narrow voices, and to silence their political enemies. This tremendous, wildly dangerous privilege is now perceived as threatened by the introduction of Musk to Twitter’s board. The question is free speech. Elon’s detractors believe “unfettered conversations” are dangerous. Elon believes free speech is essential to a functioning democracy. The censorship people thought they had the game on lock, but power has a way of shifting, which is why the wise among us tend to want it balanced. The hall monitors are furious.

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