First, a brief history of the greatest show on earth. From buying a massive stake of Twitter to joining the board, to leaving the board, to buying the company, to perhaps not buying the company, to no wait yes I am definitely buying this company… the story of Elon Musk and the internet’s most beloved toxic waste dump social media platform has captured the hearts and minds of America. In direct response to Elon’s threat to not censor political content, the press — which is now a class in favor of robust, authoritarian speech controls — went to scorched-earth total war with the billionaire shitposting god of tech, targeting advertisers in an effort to starve the company of cash, and targeting politicians in an effort to provoke draconian congressional measures. Amidst the chaos, Elon revealed the company was in danger of going bankrupt. Half his employees were laid off. Dramatic product changes were made, including the elimination of bluecheck media status, and the introduction of a new revenue stream in human verification. Mutineers were fired. An ultimatum for the remaining employees was presented. A third of them walked away, and over the course of one, surreal night, “misinformation experts,” aging columnists, and Crunchies-era celebrity venture capitalists lost their minds, thoroughly convinced the platform they both hated and could not live without was in imminent danger of dissolving. Through actual tears, and panicked, lip-quivering sobs, the worst people on the internet said good bye, farewell, I told you this would happen!, please follow me on Substack for $10 a month.

Finally, for a couple of hours, it was quiet.

Then Elon announced Apple, the most powerful company in the world, threatened to remove Twitter from the app store.