This week in “our species is doomed,” Wired is reporting that being “cringe,” which they roughly define as sincere and vulnerable, is now the biggest deal-breaker on dating apps. That’s right, for fear of being written off as earnest and therefore lame, zoomers are scrubbing their profiles of the slightest hint they might actually care about something. Fish pics, gym selfies, playing the guitar, saying that you served in the military — all “repulsive” displays of the cringe factor, according to this cursed, online-from-birth generation. I guess I kind of get it? They’re using humor as a proxy for something like self-awareness (one user likened earnest-seeming profiles to “a picture of someone alone in front of the Statue of Liberty” lol). But the vulnerability required to actually reveal yourself to someone and build a relationship isn’t cringe. And even if it were, it would be better than dying alone. Get over it.

Monday, The New York Times reported the federal government is consulting with Elon Musk’s Boring Company, among others, about remedying ballooning construction costs on Amtrak’s $8.5 billion Frederick Douglass Tunnel. This project will replace a 152-year-old (152!!) decrepit rail corridor between Baltimore and Washington. Ted Cruz and JD Vance, alongside other Republicans, criticized this awarding of federal funds for “favoring Northeastern states,” but how about no state should have major transportation infrastructure over 100 years old?? Why are we out here cosplaying as a third-world country?? Meanwhile, the NYT fiddles as Rome burns, noting “concerns about Mr. Musk’s conflicts of interests as he juggles his businesses.” I don’t care. I do not care. The only thing that matters is getting this shit fixed quickly and cheaply. Can The Boring Company help with that? Great, let the ex-South African build Underground Railroad 2.0. Next problem. We’ve got harder ones to solve.

This week, the NY Post reported Zohran Mamdani — the Democratic socialist NYC mayoral contender — quietly married his wife, Rama Duwaji, at a lavish ceremony in Dubai overlooking the Burj Khalifa. Critics pointed out Mamdani appeared a tad hypocritical living like a sultan in the Middle East while simultaneously demanding folks here in America give even more of their income to the scam organization known as “the New York City government.” To those critiques, however, our boy Zohran responded by saying “right-wing trolls” were simply trying to make the mayoral race about his wife (?) adding that “Rama isn’t just my wife, she’s an incredible artist who deserves to be known on her own terms” (??). 1 - I’m sure your wife’s fingerpaintings are lovely, but 2 - this is more about you possibly turning America’s largest city into a socialist hellhole? And 3 - if you’re gonna moonlight as a Marxist, maybe don’t frolic around in a capitalist playground built by slaves.