After years of negotiating, Sheikh Mohamed bin Zayed Al Nahyan, the President and King of Abu Dhabi, has successfully convinced Disney to open a new park in Abu Dhabi — entirely funded by the emirate. Yesterday, Disney’s stock spiked 10% on the news. The park “will have a castle and modernized versions of some classic Disney rides,” reports the NYT, “along with new attractions tailored to the climate and local culture.” A ton of cool Aladdin shit, in other words? Well, congrats to everyone involved. But it’s sort of a bummer that we can barely lay down rail, while foreign kings are begging our most talented creative men and women to build for them abroad. I was promised a Golden Age. I’m not saying we need to pay for all of it, but it’s time to set aside a few thousand acres, clear the land of regulations, and let our most talented builders cook. At home.

Tuesday, Wall Street Journal revealed U.S. intelligence agencies have been ordered to ramp up spying operations to “identify people in Greenland and Denmark who support U.S. objectives for the island.” Which, cool, except that getting your spy apparatus plans immediately leaked defeats the entire purpose of having spies?? Anyway, Denmark aside, spying on Greenland is the wrong approach — only 56,000 people live there. You don’t need to be James Bond, just go to one of the country’s six bars and ask locals who’s a fan of the orange man. Or how about an old-fashioned, pro-American psyop? How much would it really cost to flood Greenlanders’ Instagram feeds with Johnny Bravo, old Westerns, MAGA bikini babes, and Top Gun ads? Better yet, go direct: pay these people money until they become our friends. There’s no need to overcomplicate things (or get your idiotic surveillance program publicly announced).

While Bernie and AOC were touring arenas to “fight oligarchy,” billionaire Democrat mega-donor Alex Soros and his new wife, Huma “Wiener’s Sloppy Seconds” Abedin, were flaunting their sleek NoHo penthouse in a recent New Yorker feature on living rooms. In the photoshoot, Soros lounges in a villainous sofa chair while Abedin stands stiffly beside him, both radiating creepiness and misery from their glassy perch. It is here where Alex holds court, coaching cheery Midwestern teachers that pickup trucks and football talk are the keys to favorability among swing state peasants. You’re one of the guys, Tim. Let’s see you wave to the crowd… ok that needs work. Remember when you’re fighting those oligarchs, AOC: your side’s got ‘em too, and try as you might to cover that up… eventually they’ll get a new luxury bathroom remodel that’s simply to die for, and good luck getting the freaks to shut up about it.