As NYC grapples with the creeping rise of girl boss communism following the haunting primary victory of Zohran Mamdani over Andrew “I’m not perverted, I’m just Italian” Cuomo, as a strange period of quiet follows the media’s breathless “WE’RE AT WAR” coverage of Iran, followed by “THESE ATTACKS FAILED,” followed by Pete Hegseth calmly sharing footage of the attacks not failing, and as Ellen DeGeneres briefly died — or at least I learned on Twitter before googling and realizing this was just another crazy piece of viral fake news — I have learned something. About the world? No. About myself. That thing: I am ready for vacation. Which Pirate Wires is starting right now, in honor of our nation’s glorious birth. An Independence Day, if you will, from the news, which my team and I intend to take in total isolation from social media. Enjoy the festivities, and catch you all back here in a week.

After BLM vandals destroyed a statue of Ulysses S. Grant in Golden Gate Park during the summer of 2020, the San Francisco Arts Commission delayed its restoration until the completion of an “equity audit” of all civic art (the progress and methodology of which was not made public). Now, the Arts Commission has finally released this long-awaited audit, and… they’re still not sure if the leader who achieved unconditional Union victory in the Civil War is ‘equitable’ enough for public display (seriously). “The conversation regarding the treatment of the removed bronze statue… is still ongoing,” these geniuses wrote in their Racist Statue Report™. In related news, I’ve conducted an audit of my own: after thorough analysis and careful investigation, it has been determined (by me) that the San Francisco Arts Commission is a waste of my tax dollars. Thanks for nothing, guys!

“AI is Starting to Wear Down Democracy,” the New York Times warned yesterday in a sweeping feature, complete with an interactive map of alleged election-subverting AI incidents. Among them? A (very fake-looking) deepfake of Canadian politician Mark Carney (who won) lounging poolside with Jeffrey Epstein (terrifying stuff, RIP free elections). And sure, AI will get better and harder to detect as the technology progresses… but if the Times is truly worried about misinformation? Maybe they should look at whoever told us COVID came from a dirty pangolin, called the lab leak theory racist, insisted Trump got peed on by Russian hookers, censored op-eds from U.S. Senators ‘to fight hate,’ and assured readers Hunter’s laptop was a Kremlin psyop. In other words — if democracy is really under threat, NYT, it’s not from the slop-ified man caressing a Mossad pedophile’s swim trunks… it’s from the man in the mirror.